Free Relationship Advice, from Relationship-Oneness.com
This guy looks like he went through the wrong door, and ended up on stage when he was really just looking for the pool. Do you ever find yourself feeing out of place? I know I have, and at times it led to moments of anxiety where I would just walk out without finishing a conversation.

My Anxious Self:

I have to laugh at myself here a little bit because I’m known as somewhat of an entertainer, I’ve been on stage in a promotion role, entertained groups of people with magic, and have had thousands of people hear my voice live over the radio on a consistent basis. So I find it funny that today 5 years later, when in large crowds, I get all discombobulated and feel completely out of my element. I’m sure that if I was so inclined, it would be easy to find some pill to help put me in an apathetic state to ease my discomfort. But I don’t. Why? Because it seems to me that this experience of social anxiety is there for a reason, and to avoid the message means I may never gain insight into a deeper truth about myself.

I understand that some might do such a thing to take the edge off, and that’s fine, no judgment there; that’s not the point, hell, I’ve become great occasional friends with nicotine over the past 10 years. The point is to understand the discomfort as a message rather than a malfunction. It’s like when you get a tummy ache and reach for the acid reflux pill of your choice, ignoring the fact that your body may be responding to what you’re putting into your body. To cover up the symptoms with a pill, doesn’t necessarily mean your bringing healing. Not to mention, by ignoring the message you may be allowing more significant damage as you continue habits which create the painful responses.

Paying  Attention:

So as with this situation of feeling out of place, I like to pay attention to what’s going on and gain new perspectives. What I’ve noticed most of all is an awareness that says… “hey tiger, whose to say that you’re ’suppose’ to feel comfortable in these situations at all? Since when was it a requirement that you have to enjoy hanging out with others?” It’s kinda like the 3rd grader who cant sit still during math class, so we put him on drugs so he can be like everyone else. I realize now that when I find myself in these situations of having social anxiety, I have gained a greater acceptance for it and myself. I step out of my own mind and see myself responding, sometimes it brings a smile to my face to listen to my own thoughts and see how untrue they really are.

What I’ve learned over the past few years as I’ve moved away from being socially exciting to be around, is that our lives have seasons just like the world around us. The planet Earth doesn’t get all antsy because it’s snowing, or because she thought autumn wasn’t long enough, she embraces each new season with an awareness that says all seasons serve a purpose. After learning to accept feeling out of place at times, I’ve gained a greater appreciation for the quiet time I have. I began to see it with new eyes, not as something to be against but as something to understand; the decision to do so has added tremendous value to my life with taking on new tasks such as writing and doing Podcasts.

Advice:

So here’s some advice. If you are feeling out of place, and don’t like it, and just want to fit in, allow me ask, that you actually think about why it is you want what you want. Is it just a knee jerk reaction because your ego is bruised? Is there some external expectation you feel you must live up to? Is it possible this experience is in its perfect place? I’ll bring you back to my reference of the drugged up 3rd grader, there wasn’t an effort to understand that this child may have a different learning style, or isn’t a mathematician but an artist, their only effort was one of a knee jerk reaction based on social conditioning.

Now that I understand a little bit more about how and why I operate the way I do, I find myself being more willing to participate in social functions when I do go. Let’s not also forget the possibility that the anxiety is a real alarm going off that says where you are isn’t in alignment with your desires. There are times when I’m around certain people and I’m doing fantastic, but then around others I feel drained and lethargic; this too has been a great lesson, as it has brought new association into my life that’s more of a match for my life direction.

Conclusion:

How I deal with social anxiety is probably not the norm, and I’m okay with that because I see the real me making progress; I’m not conforming, I’m blossoming. If this is something you struggle with, I would caution you about labeling yourself as having a “disorder.” I know for me, if I did such a thing I would feel somewhat helpless and dis-empowered. Within the entire universe, there is no dis-order, only organized chaos; that which appears to be chaotic, actually contains a deep organization. It may appear to be completely disorganized and out of your reach, but the reality of it all is that within your experience there lies a truth that fully understands what’s going on.

If you are in a place where you rely on something to suppress the symptoms or help you to cope, the last thing I would recommend is feeling guilt about it. No wait, actually it wouldn’t even be the last thing, I would never want you to feel guilty about the decisions you make, but only to understand them more fully. Reach for conscious acceptance, and be intelligent about the choices you make.

Free Relationship Advice, from Relationship-Oneness.com

In your relationship with your children, do you play the “Victim Parent”? I ask this question because all throughout the week, I come across individuals who constantly complain that there children have it out for them or how they’re treated poorly.

While observing the “Victim Parents”, I noticed the communication that goes on between parent vs child and came up with some conclusions. First, I believe often times the way we speak and treat our children is exactly how our children will treat us in return. If we’re yelling and screaming as a way to communicate with kids, more than likely we’ll get the same sort of treatment from them.Our children may not yell and scream back at us, but it will manifest in other ways, such as; being defiant, full of resentment, having little or no trust for you, violence, etc. I’ve noticed that with the “Victim Parents”, they talk down about their children to others and use mocking language to show they’re boss.

Second, I believe we should treat our child as a person with real feelings. If we’re just yelling and spanking as a form of discipline, we’re not getting to the root of the problem, we’re only masking it. We resort to these forms of aggresive discipline because we really don’t want to, or know how take the time to communicate and understand why it is that our children do what they do. Yes it does take more time to sit down and have a conversation, but in the end, it’s so worth it! Communication is highly effective.

There are times where I feel like screaming at my kids just to get them off my back. I also know that if I don’t take care of the situation right then and there, I will have to eventually take care of it somewhere down the road. I often think to myself, “if I were a child, how would I desire to be treated?” I would want someone to love and communicate with me. If I were being screamed at, I would be afraid, sad, angry, vengeful, dismissive, etc. Now what kind of a bond are you creating with your child?

If you, the adult, had another adult spanking and screaming at you when stepping out of line, what would your reaction be? You will probable say, “I would not put up with that.” Well imagine how your child feels. Or better yet, imagine yourself being ten years old again, how were you disciplined? Did it feel good or bad? Did you learn from your parent’s parenting? I’m not indicating that you should start judging or pointing fingers at your parent’s, just use that as an example. Take yourself back to the times that you might have been spanked or yelled at, come up with new ways as to how you would handle that with your own children. I find myself using this method a lot.

When I catch myself yelling at my children, I know right away the reason behind it is my lack of communication, being lazy with my parenting. Another reason is not following through with a consequence I have given them. For example, I ask my oldest daughter to put the dishes away before she does anything else, and if she doesn’t, the dishes will be hers to do all week. She messes around for about ten minutes and then gets on her phone. I ask her to get off her phone and to please get the dishes put away. At this point I should have followed through with the consequence that was given to her for not getting it done. But I didn’t, which created frustration for both of us and I usually raise my voice at this point. If I would have followed through, more than likely next time she was asked to do something and didn’t, she would’ve known for sure, there would be a consequence waiting for her; which would then create less experiences like this one.

When we play the victim, we’re giving our power over to something outside of ourself. We’re basically telling everyone and everything that we are powerless and don’t have any control over our emotions. If you find yourself playing the victim with your children, I would suggest you step outside yourself and evaluate your situation. If you continuously tell your children that they’re making you mad, you’re playing the victim. Be proactive about parenting. Communicate with them. If you need to take a time out before talking with your child, then do that first. You will notice that the conversation is done with more love.

Just some suggestions folks incase you fall into the “Victim Parent” category! Remember that everyday and every experience is about learning and growing! So don’t beat yourself up, just learn and make changes!

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Free Relationship Advice, from Relationship-Oneness.com

Do you ever feel your energy being drained when hanging around certain individuals? Is it always about them and their problems? Is there constant negativity? I like to call these energy drainers Emotional Vampires. Yes, that’s what I said…..Vampires!  They will suck the life right out of you without you being aware of it!

The first thing I notice when hanging around someone new, a family member, or longtime friend, are the words they use.  How much of the conversation is directed upon themselves?  Do I feel drained after speaking with them?  Do I feel this relationship is beneficial to my emotional well being?  Ask yourself these questions and see what you come up with.

Most of us have at least one or more Emotional Vampires in our lives without even being conscious of it. It could be a spouse, partner, parent, boss, co-worker, friend, etc. They exist everywhere!  Emotional Vampires get their fix by feeding off of your emotions…..that’s how they survive.

Often times I notice that I get angry around certain people. I believe it is do to them trying to steal my energy.  Most Emotional Vampires will try and get a reaction out of you by creating some sort of conflict. That is how they feel as though they’re connecting with you. Yes, I know….very interesting!  Signs of an Emotional Vampire;

• In constant need of approval.
• Bullying or putting others down.
• They believe the world revolves around them.
• Someone who is overly needy.
• Complains daily about there life.
• Controlling and judgmental.
• Creates drama.
• Blames others for the way they feel.
• Takes advantage of others.

The list goes on………………..!

These are some basic signs of Emotional Vampires. I know occasionally, we all show signs of being a vampire, but there are those who do these things daily. That is when it is no longer healthy to interact with these individuals. Or at least limit the time spent around them.

Guard yourself and your sweet energy from them. I like to imagine that I have body armor/shield on that keeps the negative forces on the outside of me. I do this before I visit those lovely Emotional Vampires! It really does help! If I’m already low on energy for the day, I never dare to come into contact with someone who will take whatever energy I have leftover. Find what works for you. Become familiar with the behaviors of Emotional Vampires. Read and do your research, you might be shocked to find out how involved you are with them.

I have been reading articles and books about this subject for about the last five years and was overwhelmed by how involved I was with them. Shield yourself, put on your armor and move on! Much luck to those who slay the Vampires! What I mean is, by moving on! Leave them behind if they’re sucking the life from you!