Are You a Victimized Parent? Stop Blaming and Start Loving
Free Relationship Advice, from Relationship-Oneness.com
In your relationship with your children, do you play the “Victim Parent”? I ask this question because all throughout the week, I come across individuals who constantly complain that there children have it out for them or how they’re treated poorly.
While observing the “Victim Parents”, I noticed the communication that goes on between parent vs child and came up with some conclusions. First, I believe often times the way we speak and treat our children is exactly how our children will treat us in return. If we’re yelling and screaming as a way to communicate with kids, more than likely we’ll get the same sort of treatment from them.Our children may not yell and scream back at us, but it will manifest in other ways, such as; being defiant, full of resentment, having little or no trust for you, violence, etc. I’ve noticed that with the “Victim Parents”, they talk down about their children to others and use mocking language to show they’re boss.
Second, I believe we should treat our child as a person with real feelings. If we’re just yelling and spanking as a form of discipline, we’re not getting to the root of the problem, we’re only masking it. We resort to these forms of aggresive discipline because we really don’t want to, or know how take the time to communicate and understand why it is that our children do what they do. Yes it does take more time to sit down and have a conversation, but in the end, it’s so worth it! Communication is highly effective.
There are times where I feel like screaming at my kids just to get them off my back. I also know that if I don’t take care of the situation right then and there, I will have to eventually take care of it somewhere down the road. I often think to myself, “if I were a child, how would I desire to be treated?” I would want someone to love and communicate with me. If I were being screamed at, I would be afraid, sad, angry, vengeful, dismissive, etc. Now what kind of a bond are you creating with your child?
If you, the adult, had another adult spanking and screaming at you when stepping out of line, what would your reaction be? You will probable say, “I would not put up with that.” Well imagine how your child feels. Or better yet, imagine yourself being ten years old again, how were you disciplined? Did it feel good or bad? Did you learn from your parent’s parenting? I’m not indicating that you should start judging or pointing fingers at your parent’s, just use that as an example. Take yourself back to the times that you might have been spanked or yelled at, come up with new ways as to how you would handle that with your own children. I find myself using this method a lot.
When I catch myself yelling at my children, I know right away the reason behind it is my lack of communication, being lazy with my parenting. Another reason is not following through with a consequence I have given them. For example, I ask my oldest daughter to put the dishes away before she does anything else, and if she doesn’t, the dishes will be hers to do all week. She messes around for about ten minutes and then gets on her phone. I ask her to get off her phone and to please get the dishes put away. At this point I should have followed through with the consequence that was given to her for not getting it done. But I didn’t, which created frustration for both of us and I usually raise my voice at this point. If I would have followed through, more than likely next time she was asked to do something and didn’t, she would’ve known for sure, there would be a consequence waiting for her; which would then create less experiences like this one.
When we play the victim, we’re giving our power over to something outside of ourself. We’re basically telling everyone and everything that we are powerless and don’t have any control over our emotions. If you find yourself playing the victim with your children, I would suggest you step outside yourself and evaluate your situation. If you continuously tell your children that they’re making you mad, you’re playing the victim. Be proactive about parenting. Communicate with them. If you need to take a time out before talking with your child, then do that first. You will notice that the conversation is done with more love.
Just some suggestions folks incase you fall into the “Victim Parent” category! Remember that everyday and every experience is about learning and growing! So don’t beat yourself up, just learn and make changes!
