Father Daughter Talk – Finding Solutions to Create Fairness
Free Relationship Advice, from Relationship-Oneness.com
Audio
Hey,
My step daughter Talia called yesterday to voice her frustrations and concerns with regard to her current living situation, she spoke for a while and softly vented about what was “so not fair.”
At the time of this entry, she is 11 years old and for the past 6 months or so has been living with her father and step mother who live less than 3 miles away. This is her first time living away from her mother / mother and I.
The contrast between the homes are definitely diverse. I won’t get into the details other than saying where she is at now, …(long pause) actually lol… I’m not going to say anything at all. They are just different.
Anyway, she notices within her home what she perceives as ‘unfairness,’ being that she is the oldest child in that environment it is her impression she is being picked on by the adults. After taking some time to get an ‘unfair’ example from her, I acknowledged her concern as being valid.
Point: Understand that regardless if I agree with her interpretation of events, her perception of what took place is still valid because in her world, this is what she saw. Imagine if I just went off and raised my voice saying, ohhhh Talia, get over it and stop whining! Can you see how such a comment could shut her out emotionally, and end any desire to find a solution and grow.
A common reason one would react in such a way, is simply because they don’t want to deal with it. Parents don’t yell to bring comfort, they yell because the situation at hand is beyond their known capacity to communicate effectively; which stresses them out, and kids usually stop what they’re doing when the yell becomes loud and aggressive enough. So in a sense, they do it because it works.
However, the phrase “it works” is debatable. Short term, yes, the conversation ends and you may get what you want. But long term you ignore the higher self and its desire to remain in peace, as it communicates effectively and lovingly.
By seeing Talia’s concern as valid, She recognizes that I see ‘Her’ as valid, and worth my time. This sets us both up for good communication and an opportunity to find solutions rather than continue complaining.
I asked, “so have you tried explaining this to your dad?” She responded with a statement probably familiar to most parents, “Yeah, but he doesn’t listen or doesn’t want to talk about it.”
Again, this is her interpretation of events. (movie quiz) What we have here, is a failure to communicate 
Notice the nature of her statement, it was completely external and full of blame. “He doesn’t,” she said. There was no talk in regards to what she wasn’t doing, or what she could have done better.
Point: When we are attempting to guide our children, or anybody for that matter, I find it important to put the power back into their hands. I’m not here to babysit my eleven year old daughter, I’m here to empower her and help her to understand that within herself lies the answer, and the solution is in you changing your own mind, rather than trying to change the actions of someone else.
If we are consumed with the perceived wrong-doings of everybody else, we become trapped into believing their life path greatly affects our potential for peace and emotional well being.
As she was spending her time explaining the situation, I wasn’t focused on any third party, my focus was on “how can I help Talia create a more peaceful experience where she is at now?” I didn’t immediately have any solutions to give her, but after a while it hit me, I finally got an idea on how we could put the power back into her own hands.
Solution:
We came to the conclusion that a great idea would be for her to take time in silence and really understand what her concerns were. In this time, it was her task to write down some questions and comments on paper that she felt adequately described what she thought was unfair.
After doing this, she is then going to give this paper to an in-house adult of her choice. Her first attempt is going to be to sit down and talk with them, if that doesn’t pan out then plan B is to just give them a copy to read on their own time and get back to her.
Point: You see, this is only about understanding herself more fully. Getting in touch with what it is she truly desires to experience. Until Talia can understand what it is she wants, she will find it difficult to create any experience that’s to her liking.
In the process, Talia contemplates the idea of fairness and what it means to her; by doing this it increases her capacity to express fairness to others. She can observe and reflect on her real life experiences and learn from them, a habit that I have found to be very constructive.
Sharing the letter with her parents, isn’t about changing them, it’s about inviting them to share in the love she desires to create. By actively taking these steps, she regains a sense of strength, that says, “yes, there is something I can do.”
I told Talia simply buy giving them this letter, it would not change their actions over night. It has the possibility to assist them over time, but don’t expect to be treated differently when you wake up tomorrow. I also mentioned to her the important lesson here was that she didn’t have to feel helpless, there is always something we can do create the experience we desire. Even if that “doing” involves sitting in silence to define more clearly what it is we understand.
Conclusion:
The funny part about all this… is I don’t know if she’ll follow through on writing that letter. Sure, I think she will. But ultimately it is up to her. I feel good inside knowing I took the time to understand her heart, and not just her physical experience.
In all honesty, I don’t care if she writes the letter or not. I’m completely satisfied with the moment I got to share with her, and I am confident our connection with each other expanded because of it.
How can I not care? When I say I “don’t care,” in this context I’m referring to attachment. I am not attached to the outcome of what she does,
because I know she still learned something powerful, or was reminded of something powerful. She knows when she talks to me, she will feel encouraged and empowered, and in that comfort is a message of taking responsibility and not allowing the actions of others to keep you from doing what you can to create the life you desire to live.